I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
