I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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