$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize