WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
