If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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