remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
