I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
