On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
