If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
