A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
