I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
