yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
