Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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