I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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