i jhust puked up my retainher.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
