I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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