Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
