My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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