Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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