I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
