Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
