Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He passed out mid-signature
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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