I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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