Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
