So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
