3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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