I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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