If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
