you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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