I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
