I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
