$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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