yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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