Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
