I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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