Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
