We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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