Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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