I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
