You don't have asthma, your pregnant
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
