everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The air was thick with penises
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize