i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
false alarm. still invincible.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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