my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
