this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize