Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
