She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
