I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
