do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
