I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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