Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Drake has all the answers
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
