Three words: puerto rican gang bang
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
