woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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