if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize