Your face is a jimmy john
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
