hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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