Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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