My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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