genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
