The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
