There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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