So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
