I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
