It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
